I was

listening to a podcast my friend Isaac sent me that was conducted a few years ago. It was an interview with Shane Claiborne, author of Irresistible Revolution and Jesus for President and one of the figureheads for the New Monastic Movement. At one point during the interview, he talks about walking through the neighborhood one day with his friend, Kazim (sp?), when they got jumped. The people were ready for a fight and were looking to get into it. They simply introduced themselves and kept on walking. Kazim was then hit on the head with a club. Shane initial thought is something along the lines of "Come on, God, why? We tried to do the right thing!" He then turns around, faces their attackers and says:

"You guys are created in the image of God and you're made for something better than this."

Freshman year of high school I took a health class. I learned about adrenaline and how, once it starts flowing, you're faced with the Fight or Flight instinct. You either confront the danger or flee from it. These two options have, in my mind, been the two universally accepted options when approached by a threat (or really any high stress situation) for the longest time. Somehow, Shane Claiborne was approached by a threat, considered the two options, then thought, "You know, I don't like either of those. Let me throw my option into the mix; throw God's option into the mix." Shane continues to say that the guys were absolutely floored; they had no idea how to respond. So they took off running in every which way. Kazim's first response was "Where did that come from?!"

Last year, Ryan gave a sermon on the subject of homosexuality. I came to church that Sunday with the expectation of hearing why it was or was not wrong, all sorts of scripture references arguing the case, exceptions to rules, etc. Instead, Ryan talked about how Jesus, presented with two options, A or B, chose a third option, C. And this is something that only happened once. There are several cases where the pharisees try to trap Jesus into upsetting either the Roman authorities or the people around him. But Jesus chooses neither of these and "elevates the conversation" and answers a more important issue.

Person trying to get a Christian in trouble: "Is homosexuality right or wrong?"
Smart person addressing the larger issue: "Does it matter? We should love everyone and treat them with the kindness, mercy, and grace that Jesus has given/shown us."

No matter what, Jesus loved everyone. This did not mean he never got mad. But he was incredibly slow to anger, carefully considered the situations, and responded with love to everything. Only when people were directly disrespecting God did he actually get mad (i.e. flipping tables in the temple). In that instance, people had completely perverted the purpose of the temple and the offerings and simply saw it as a way to make some easy money. What was supposed to be a place of worship had become a place of profit and monopoly.

So now what? Well, I'm not very good with conclusions so I don't exactly know. Maybe if I had a little bit more time. Don't be judgmental. To anyone. Extend grace. Be patient. Have compassion.

Love everyone.

My last

post was April 24th. Four months and some amount of days ago (I want to say 16, but don't know if I account for the months that have 31 days) (I think you only account for that if, when you start counting days, any months involved have 31 days) (I digress). Today is the last day of the third week of school. How are things going thus far?

Well, I've kept up with all my homework and been to all my classes. So already, things have massively improved academically since last year. I've submitted the first part of my application with Missions Door and plan on beginning support raising within the next few weeks. I have a fairly jam-packed schedule due to school, being on staff with Damascus Road, and working the two days a week I am able to. Familial relations have kind of taken a back seat, I'm a little sad to say. But I hope they understand. We have a new manager at Big 5 who is pretty intense but seems like she will actually get people to do their work, which will be a pleasant change. Oh, and I plan on getting married within the next year.

I've done a lot of thinking the past few weeks and I hope to find time to write about about these things. I even have a note on my phone dedicated to topics I want to address. There is rarely any downtime, though. This isn't a complaint, however. I enjoy the busy-ness (business? busyness? Google Chrome says the latter-most is correct) and keeping occupied. Do I wish I had more time in the day? Sometimes. But I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing about my life right now. There are very few, if any, days where I say to myself, "You know, I wish I had done more. I wish today could've been a better day."

Why the sudden changed outlook on life? Well, although I don't have a lot of my future figured out, I feel very confident of being in the right place right now. I feel where I'm at and what I'm doing are the places/things God wants me to be/do. A recent search has shown to me that I haven't mentioned God in any posts. Perhaps that is the reason for the contentment, the stillness, the peace. God. A quick review of my posts indicates to me that this post is radically different from the others. No philosophy. No late night thoughts. Just saying how fulfilled I feel with the work I am doing with the people I am with.

This post is an anomaly, but one filled with pride. Not an exclusionary pride. I don't want to keep this to myself. I wish everyone felt this way. I wish everyone could feel what they were doing was worthwhile and what they were supposed to be doing. I know that after college this feeling may be hard to come by, seeing as how I'll actually have to decide what it is I think God has planned for me. But with the people I love here with me, I'm confident things will work out.

I suppose the danger with my current state is to become stagnant (which I addressed in an earlier post). Don't become complacent, David. Always strive for growth. Always strive for more. Get smarter. Grow more. Become better.

I love all of you.

More posts to come.

Why am

I so bad at doing things I know I should?

Such is the question that has plaguing me recently. Well, let's be honest, pretty much my whole life. But it's taken a much more prevalent role in the past couple years.

A: "When did it start?"
B: "Spring, freshman year."
A: "O__O"
B: "Yeah, I know."

I used to think it's been to push my limits, to see what I could handle. But I've found I can stay up late and still function. I've found (my first semester at UA) that I can get away with not doing everything and still get away with a 3.0+ GPA.

B: "I don't take very good care of myself."
A: "Why is that?"

I don't know, person A. I just don't know. Cuss. For no good reason. Well, I guess there's never a good reason for not taking care of yourself. I played Borerlands until 1, then started listening to the songs we're doing Sunday, got distracted with listening to other music, and just now got back to listening Sunday's covers.

B: "I'll do better, I swear."
A: "Don't swear anything. No promises, no swears. Just do it."

I'm good with words. I'm a smooth talker (well, I can be). So far that's all I've done. The challenge to prove myself has presented itself all semester long. And I haven't risen to the occasion.

A: "Nobody cares how late you stay up, or how little work you can do. We only care that you do your best."
B: "*Well, frick. Nothing I can say to that...*"

So that's where I'm at right now. You're very wise person A. Use your head more, person B. There's too much going on up there to just ignore. That's not just me or my attempt at putting myself on a pedestal (in case you didn't catch that, I'm person B). Everyone is just as capable as everyone else. It all comes down to how much work you're willing to put into it. Into school. Into your job. Into life.

A: "You're better than this."

You're right.

There are

so many things that I want to say, that I feel would be worth hearing/reading. This seems a bit pretentious, though, perhaps not untrue. Is it overly egotistical if one feel there is worth and importance of one's findings? Did Newton think to himself "Holy frick, this is going to change absolutely everything about physics" when he discovered gravity? Did George Washington Carver pick up a peanut and tell all his friends "I will revolutionize the world with this delicious snack"? If he did, did all his friends think he was a raging douchebag? Hard to say.

In any case, my most recent life-conclusion (if you'd like to call it that) is one of character development. Not in a story, but internally. I've decided noone should become stagnant. And by that I mean there should always be some level of discontentment within yourself that pushes, encourages, causes you to strive to be more, do better, work harder. But you should also be proud of your accomplishments, what you have achieved in life and who you are today. To attain balance between discontentment and pride is quite a feat that I don't think anyone truly reaches.

So what have I done since coming to said conclusion? Well, I've done many a chin-up and thought several times about reading a book or two. And I've downloaded quite a few new musics. Oh, and torn it up in Geometry Wars 2. I eat up geoms like nobody's business. Srsly. I will blow. Your. Mind. And updated my relationship status on Facebook. I'm working on it, alright?

I think I'll stop there for tonight. I have to wake up early tomorrow so I can give my girlfriend a wake up call to make sure she gets up and studies.

Oh man. I have a girlfriend now.

Best part of coming back.

"Kris, I like you. And I want you to know, if I had to choose between you and not you, I would choose you. Hands down."

Yeah, she's pretty cool.

A note

about returning from Haiti (this'll be fairly short). I hope this post is mostly coherent. At this level of exhaustion I tend to ramble and lose the filters in my head. Because we missed our connecting flight and arrived on Wednesday, instead of Tuesday, last week didn't really seem like it counted to me. However, now that the weekend is over, I'm feeling like it's time to get back to the old grind. But it's not the old grind. In fact, doing so would be a huge insult to Haiti and the wonderful Haitian people I met there. The task now is to incorporate what I learned there, about the world and myself, into my daily lifestyle and use that to grow and become a better person. A lot has happened in the past 14 days. Dominican Republic, border, Haiti, working, people, destruction, chaos, desperation, resilience, hope, strength, border, Dominican Republic, resort, speedos, Philadelphia, customs, missed, Charlotte, early, Phoenix, In 'N Out, and back to Tucson to the most incredible welcome home beyond anything I could've ever imagined.

But, like I said, this past week, up until now, hasn't really gotten me back into the old routine. But I will this week. No, that's not true. I can't. I must adapt. I hope I can. I need to sleep. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow will be a new day. I will be new tomorrow. I will be better tomorrow.

There is always room to grow.

I hold hands with this one girl now.

I have

decided that making all the titles flow together into a sentence is too much work. If it happens, sweet. If not, I won't be too heartbroken about it.

Seeing as how I will be unable to do so for a week and a half, I felt somewhat of an obligation to post something before I left.

I'm very unsure as to what I should expect in Haiti. I'm both excited and anxious. Excited at the opportunity to actually help an area in desperate need and feel like I'm making a difference in the world, however small. Anxious about what I will see or experience and what effect that will have on me. Anxious that I won't be as useful as I would like. Curious as to who I'll be when I get back.

Farewell, Jarrod Stewart. I'll see you again, I'm sure. We'll stay in touch.

To everyone remaining in Tucson, I will miss you sorely. To those going to San Francisco, good luck and safe travels.

I have this strange feeling of finality as I leave. Like I'm going to be gone for good. Obviously I'm coming back. So why the conclusiveness? I am unsure. But I am slightly uneasy because of it.

Everything will be fine. Everyone will come back. We will work well and grow stronger in our relationships with each other. We will be safe.

I'm sure of it. I know it.

I'll be back.

To try

and come up with titles that are in themselves independent in reference to their respective blogs and yet can be read from earliest to latest and form some sort of coherent idea is incredibly difficult. I'm having a hard time separating the two. I also feel this is kind of a cop-out...

In any case, we leave Tucson in three days. Holy frick. When did that happen? Though it's only for a week and a half, I'm going to miss everyone terribly. Jarrod Stewart won't be here when I get back. That will be very sad, indeed...on a different note, I am very eager for this opportunity. I need to focus. Focus, David. Focus.

That's how I should've connected my title. To try and stay focused is amazingly difficult for me. I've heard an analogy relating men to waffles (in that there are some square that aren't filled with syrup) and women to spaghetti (start at one end, who knows where you're going to end up). Another time I've heard men having boxes in their heads and women having wires. For example, work box, church box, gossip box, friend box. Men open and close these one at a time. Women have wires that all connect in one way or another. The point is, men are capable of thinking about nothing. Literally. Nothing. Women are not.

However, I don't think I have a nothing box or empty square. Rather, I have a music box. And my music box does just that. It plays music. Which is nice. Comforting. Relaxing. Mood-setting. However, the thing about music is that it produces noise and generally blocks out other sounds, aka thoughts. My music box prevents me from focusing.

Sometimes it's not loud enough. No matter what I do, I can't get the music loud enough to drown out what I hear in real life. And it drives me crazy sometimes. Duality is an interesting thing. My music box is both too loud and not powerful enough.

My music box is my distraction. My music box keeps me safe. My music box keeps me from trying and failing by keeping me from doing anything in the first place. My music box is my comfort and my frustration.

I want something else to be my comfort.

I want to focus.

Duality. I hope to write more on it later.

For now, focus.

The desire

to be broken is one not generally sought after. Therefore, I spent some time the other night thinking about why I am so eager to reach such a state and I've come up with a couple answers.

The first is I am still exploring myself and trying to discover who I am and what my limits are. I continually push myself beyond normal limits for the sake of being able to do so. Is it necessary for me to consistenly stay up past 2am every night doing absolutely nothing? Of course not. But I do it anyways. Why? Because I can. Because I am trying to see how I handle it; to see if I can handle it. I'm always up for a challenge to see what I am capable of.

The second is I am looking for ways to prove myself. I want to show others how strong I can be. I am generally not presented with opportunities every day to display my strength (physically, emotionally, or spiritually). Therefore, I jump at the first possibility of being able to showcase my prowess. Some may call this tool-esque behavior. I call it being a guy. Or really, being human. Nobody wants to appear weak or inferior. Everybody asserts their knowledge or familiarity with a subject whenever they can. People are always willing to add their two cents to a discussion, even though it's not necessary.

Example 1 (The Superior): Person A is explaining to a group how a car works. Person A leaves out a very minor detail. Person B, who is also knowledgeable about cars, jumps on the omission and fills in the oh-so-minute gap Person A left out (with the possibility of ridiculing/condescending to Person A in the process).

Example 2a (The Includer): Person A is explaining to a group how a car works. Person B jumps ahead a step or two in the explanation (or outright takes over the explanation for a small period of time) to show that they, too, have knowledge on the matter. This, or, Person B is continuously agreeing with Person A, unnecessarily reaffirming everything Person A is saying.

Example 2b: Person A begins telling a story. Person B immediately interjects with a "Oh, I've heard this before." or a "Oh, this one again." Now everyone in the group is aware of Person B's familiarity with the story.

However, these examples need not always be negative. It is very possible Person B in Example 2a is capable of explaining much better than Person A and is, therefore, more beneficial to the group. Person B in Example 2b may just be responding appropriately to a story told by a family every year at Christmas (I hear some families do that). Person B in Example 1 could have been asked by Person A to fill in anything that gets missed.

So you see, it is very much not my intention to go bashing people who like to be included. I am simply making observations on how I perceive people to interact with one another. I'm not bashing anybody or making any sort of comment on anyone's behavior, positive or negative. I'm not judging anyone. Just food for thought I suppose.

I really went off on a tangent there. Very Simpsons-like. Start with one story, go a little ways in, then COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STORY.

Conclusion: Why am I still awake? Because I want to see how well I can handle life with a continuously late-night life. Because I want others to see that I can stay up late while maintaining a socially normal lifestyle.

I am overly conscious of how I think I look to other people.

I want

to be broken. At Katalyst (my church's winter retreat/leadership conference), kris and I did a cover of a song called Broken; the chorus of which was "I want to be broken, completely by Your word." Rachael talks about how she doesn't really like singing songs relating to the topic of wanting to be broken because, come on, how many people sing that and mean it? I felt sincere when we sang it though. I really did want to be broken, to be humbled, to be brought so low that I could not get up on my own.

I can't exactly describe what I'll be looking for when we go to Haiti or even what I hope to find. Whenever I went on retreats as a kid, it was never quite what I'd imagined. I pictured being out totally in the wild, with nothing but a tent, sleeping bag, and a slingshot. I wanted to rough it. Maybe not to that extent, but you get the picture. I wanted to have all the privileges, all the luxuries stripped away from me on these retreats. Instead, all the Korean ladies brought their own food and stoves and rice cookers and we had a perfectly good home-cooked Korean meal in the middle of the campsite. I'm not complaining, the food was delicious. Just not what I had anticipated.

It is similar with service projects in that it never quite lives up to what I expect. Granted, my expectations are not fully defined before the fact. I think what I want is passion. I want to pour everything I have into projects, into recovery, into people. I want to give absolutely everything I have to give and then some. I want to be totally drained, knowing that I did all I could to restore someone's life or provide them with a new one. But I have yet to achieve that goal. And maybe it's for the better. Maybe I'm just not ready for that kind of sacrifice. But I want to. I want to be broken. I want to be used up. I want to be depleted. I want to give all that I am for a cause.

Perhaps I just want a story to tell. Perhaps I'm just looking for drama. I'd like to think I'm not so shallow as that. I feel I have a genuine concern for people and mankind, and would like to explore that more.

I feel a lot is going to happen in Haiti, that it's going to be a turning point. I would like to see something change in me. Nay, I would love to see something change in me. Something will change. It has to. Whether it's in me or between people.

I want to develop more as a person. Hopefully something as drastic as going to Haiti will help me with that. Hopefully something as drastic as going to Haiti will help me figure out my life.

I'm always up for a challenge.

Call me

Mr. Flintstone. I can make yo' bed rock.

Young Money Entertainment knows what's up.

The concert for Haiti is tomorrow night in about 17 hours. I'm a little nervous, but we've practiced quite a bit so I don't think there's anything really to be worried about. I hope you can make it.

I've come to realize that I am not very good about following through. "Following through in what?" one may ask. "In baseball?" No, hypothetical person who apparently doesn't know that I played baseball for the first 8 years of my schooling and therefore had the idea of "following through" engrained into my head so much that I can hear every coach's voice everytime I throw a ball. Or swing a bat. Or golf club. But applying this to life is especially challenging.

For example, I decide I want to work out more. I start doing so, do okay for the first couple days. Then I get lazy. One might attribute that to laziness. And I would, were it only the one instance. Another example: I make myself a schedule in order to organize my daily life a little. I have yet to perform one week to its fullest potential. One may also attribute this to laziness, but again I say nay. A third example, a while back, I made the decision to get back into drawing/sketching/something of the artsy nature. I thought to myself, "I know! Valentine's Day is coming up! Therefore, I will draw a rose, stick it in a card or flowers or something, and female recipient of said rose will think I'm the most romantic guy ever!" I did actually start this one. However, after the first day of getting a rough outline and some petals, I stopped. And I have yet to pick it up.

Where does this stem from? My sister read this book called "The Book Order Book." It's about the order that kids are born in and characteristics exhibited by them in relation to their position in age. I don't know a whole lot about it since all I know is what she's told me on one occasion. The oldest child will likely exhibit leadership qualities and will have a very strong personality (I assume this would change for an only child).

I, myself, am the baby of my parents' three children. Therefore, I am spoiled. Just kidding. But kind of not really. Sort of. I have the benefit of being the youngest with a couple perks. One is being the firstborn male. Traditionally, Korean parenting is biased to take care of the oldest son so that he can return the care when the parents get old (as I'm sure is the case in many societies). So I'm sure my mother was thrilled. And having already had two daughters, I have to assume my dad was absolutely ecstatic about having a son because, let's face it, dad's can't roughhouse or work on cars or play catch with their daughters.

But my birth and my next older sibling's birth are spaced just enough that I also exhibit traits of an oldest and even some of an only child. A trait of (I think) an only child is that they are afraid to start projects for fear of failure. My father, who is an only child, has delayed fixing up my grandfather's motorcycle for absolutely no good reason at all. He can't follow through. I can't commit to any sort of serious endeavour for very long. I freak out. I overanalyze. I get lazy. I rationalize the living daylights out of a situation and talk myself out of it.

I would like to fix this.

I hope I follow through.

Lent seems to be helping. There's something and someone (thank you, kris) to keep me accountable to what I want to do.

My post is long. Perhaps I will try to keep it shorter next time.

I like them.

The past

is such a strange thing to me. I have a very poor sense of it. Things that happened 20 minutes ago seem like days or weeks. Things that happen years ago feel like only yesterday. And there's really very little proof anything actually happens. Photos can be doctored, videos and be spliced and edited together. Case in point, Kelso thinks Laurie's coming on to him. Thankfully, most of us are not as dull or dim-witted as Kelso, but you get my point. If we try hard enough, we can truly recreate our memories or at least fog up/block out some of them. Thus, the past consists of what we can remember. If we can't remember falling off the swing, it just as well may not have happened at all. "How did I get this scar on my knee then?" one may ask. Well, hypothetical child, maybe what really happened was you were skydiving as a baby and kneed an eagle's beak on your way down. In that case, bravo, congratulations, and kind of a jerk move on kneeing the national bird in flight.

I have an incredibly distorted view of time. The past eludes me very much so. Pretty much as soon as something's happened, I lose my grasp on how much time has passed. Example from tonight: Ken and McInnes left the house 1.5 hours ago. In David-land, this feels like it could've been anywhere from 10 minutes to a few days. It happened, and intellectually I know it was an hour and a half ago, but it doesn't feel that way. Perhaps this comes as a result of the delirium that comes with the late night/early hours of the morn.

I really like chocolate milk. And cereal. I got both of those tonight. Tonight was a good night. I appreciate all of you who made it so. Especially the cobbler maker and ice cream purchaser. Wait, they're the same person you say? Well then, in that case, I doubly appreciate you. Thank you all. Pray for my test tomorrow. And the concert on Friday. And my family.

David Needs: Strength, Fortitude, Peace, Wisdom.

I hate

coming up with title names. So I'm incorporating my titles into the first sentence. Tonight I thought about why I don't sleep. Ordinarily I'd say because it's a waste of time. At least 1/3 of your life is wasted on "recharging." I could be doing much more productive things. Problem is, I don't (as indicated by my blog creating/writing). However, rather than use the old argument, I came up with this.

I don't want to sleep because when I wake up it will be tomorrow. I don't want tomorrow to come because we'll lose this moment. I don't want to lose this moment because I'm with you. So let's just stay awake together and delay the dawn.

Now, if I had a girlfriend to say this to, wooage of insurmountable levels would ensue. Maybe. But I don't. So really, only the first sentence applies. I've also decided that Delay the Dawn would make an awesome band name. Or song title. Or Album title. Actually, I really like the phrase delay the dawn.....upon researching this, I have found that Delay the Dawn is neither a band, album, or even song. I think I've found the proverbial pot of gold here, Alice.

Aside from why I don't sleep, I've thought about this week as well. Two tests, a midterm, concert Friday night. I won't be sharing in much of Sleep's company this week. Which I think I'm okay with. We'll see how it goes. When it gets late and I get drowsy, the number of filters in my head deciding what's worth saying/a good idea to say exponentially decreases as t->Sunrise. I say a lot of things. So in order to prevent that from happening in this blog, I shall end it here. Good night, everyone. Let's get lunch sometime.