I want

to be broken. At Katalyst (my church's winter retreat/leadership conference), kris and I did a cover of a song called Broken; the chorus of which was "I want to be broken, completely by Your word." Rachael talks about how she doesn't really like singing songs relating to the topic of wanting to be broken because, come on, how many people sing that and mean it? I felt sincere when we sang it though. I really did want to be broken, to be humbled, to be brought so low that I could not get up on my own.

I can't exactly describe what I'll be looking for when we go to Haiti or even what I hope to find. Whenever I went on retreats as a kid, it was never quite what I'd imagined. I pictured being out totally in the wild, with nothing but a tent, sleeping bag, and a slingshot. I wanted to rough it. Maybe not to that extent, but you get the picture. I wanted to have all the privileges, all the luxuries stripped away from me on these retreats. Instead, all the Korean ladies brought their own food and stoves and rice cookers and we had a perfectly good home-cooked Korean meal in the middle of the campsite. I'm not complaining, the food was delicious. Just not what I had anticipated.

It is similar with service projects in that it never quite lives up to what I expect. Granted, my expectations are not fully defined before the fact. I think what I want is passion. I want to pour everything I have into projects, into recovery, into people. I want to give absolutely everything I have to give and then some. I want to be totally drained, knowing that I did all I could to restore someone's life or provide them with a new one. But I have yet to achieve that goal. And maybe it's for the better. Maybe I'm just not ready for that kind of sacrifice. But I want to. I want to be broken. I want to be used up. I want to be depleted. I want to give all that I am for a cause.

Perhaps I just want a story to tell. Perhaps I'm just looking for drama. I'd like to think I'm not so shallow as that. I feel I have a genuine concern for people and mankind, and would like to explore that more.

I feel a lot is going to happen in Haiti, that it's going to be a turning point. I would like to see something change in me. Nay, I would love to see something change in me. Something will change. It has to. Whether it's in me or between people.

I want to develop more as a person. Hopefully something as drastic as going to Haiti will help me with that. Hopefully something as drastic as going to Haiti will help me figure out my life.

I'm always up for a challenge.