The desire

to be broken is one not generally sought after. Therefore, I spent some time the other night thinking about why I am so eager to reach such a state and I've come up with a couple answers.

The first is I am still exploring myself and trying to discover who I am and what my limits are. I continually push myself beyond normal limits for the sake of being able to do so. Is it necessary for me to consistenly stay up past 2am every night doing absolutely nothing? Of course not. But I do it anyways. Why? Because I can. Because I am trying to see how I handle it; to see if I can handle it. I'm always up for a challenge to see what I am capable of.

The second is I am looking for ways to prove myself. I want to show others how strong I can be. I am generally not presented with opportunities every day to display my strength (physically, emotionally, or spiritually). Therefore, I jump at the first possibility of being able to showcase my prowess. Some may call this tool-esque behavior. I call it being a guy. Or really, being human. Nobody wants to appear weak or inferior. Everybody asserts their knowledge or familiarity with a subject whenever they can. People are always willing to add their two cents to a discussion, even though it's not necessary.

Example 1 (The Superior): Person A is explaining to a group how a car works. Person A leaves out a very minor detail. Person B, who is also knowledgeable about cars, jumps on the omission and fills in the oh-so-minute gap Person A left out (with the possibility of ridiculing/condescending to Person A in the process).

Example 2a (The Includer): Person A is explaining to a group how a car works. Person B jumps ahead a step or two in the explanation (or outright takes over the explanation for a small period of time) to show that they, too, have knowledge on the matter. This, or, Person B is continuously agreeing with Person A, unnecessarily reaffirming everything Person A is saying.

Example 2b: Person A begins telling a story. Person B immediately interjects with a "Oh, I've heard this before." or a "Oh, this one again." Now everyone in the group is aware of Person B's familiarity with the story.

However, these examples need not always be negative. It is very possible Person B in Example 2a is capable of explaining much better than Person A and is, therefore, more beneficial to the group. Person B in Example 2b may just be responding appropriately to a story told by a family every year at Christmas (I hear some families do that). Person B in Example 1 could have been asked by Person A to fill in anything that gets missed.

So you see, it is very much not my intention to go bashing people who like to be included. I am simply making observations on how I perceive people to interact with one another. I'm not bashing anybody or making any sort of comment on anyone's behavior, positive or negative. I'm not judging anyone. Just food for thought I suppose.

I really went off on a tangent there. Very Simpsons-like. Start with one story, go a little ways in, then COMPLETELY DIFFERENT STORY.

Conclusion: Why am I still awake? Because I want to see how well I can handle life with a continuously late-night life. Because I want others to see that I can stay up late while maintaining a socially normal lifestyle.

I am overly conscious of how I think I look to other people.